Cold As Ice

I really wish Spring would arrive and stick around for awhile. Sunday, the temperature was a wonderful 73 degrees. Today, the high was projected at 45, but if it ever got there, it didn’t stay long. Every time I have looked at my phone, it has been in the 30-36 range, with colder temps due to the wind chill factor. It isn’t that I HATE the colder weather, in fact, it used to be my favorite time of year. Ever since heart surgery, cold weather hurts my sternum, where it was cut, my ankle, where the vein was taken, and well my knees and hips because I am getting older and because my poor joints have had to support my heavy frame for all these years.

Today was really bad. My hips and knees have hurt way down deep in the bone. Yesterday, I was in pain for another reason. One I haven’t even figured out just yet. Yesterday, I hurt like I did when I was having a gall bladder attack. Only, I no longer have a gall bladder. The pain happens every now and then for different reasons. It is intermittent and no one thing seems to set it off. It feel like a huge lead ball is located in the middle of my chest just below my sternum. It presses through to my spine and presses down on my ribs, making it hard to draw a breath. If anyone has any idea what this could be and how to avoid it, please let me know. Jenni has suggested a hiatal hernia. (Just for the record, if it is one, I think I will name it. Spell-check keeps wanting to change the name of hiatal to Latisha, which is kind of funny because that is one of my sons who I haven’t named, ex-girlfriends. it is almost apropos to name something that causes me such pain Latisha.)

Since I hurt yesterday and today, I let Jillian down. Yesterday, I rode my bike for 30 minutes. I was so tender and sore in my chest, I was afraid to bounce around a lot. Today, everything has ached so much, I have spent the day cuddled up in my recliner with my blanket. It’s ok, though. Jillian isn’t going anywhere and hopefully, tomorrow, I will be right as rain.

So, Sunday, I went to my friend Belle’s house for her annual Oscar Party. Every year, she has a party where she makes ballots and we all vote on who we think is going to win. We get one point for each of these we get correct. The winner gets a special prize. For those of you who don’t know me, I love movies. All types of movies. Every year, I make it my mission to watch every movie nominated for an award. I also watch each one that someone is nominated for in the Best and Supporting categories, as well as the documentaries, short and long and the short and long animations and the short films. Yeah, I guess I am a movie nerd. Anyway, I won by getting the most correct. I only missed three total– Best Make-Up, Best Live Short and Best Animated Short. I got the Swag Bag, which consisted of champagne, chocolates and strawberries. The chocolates will go in Alice’s lunch, the strawberries will be eaten and I am saving the champagne for my mini vacation with Mickey.

Anyway, the party was great. I ate some yummy food, and even though I had saved my calories, I still went over by ALMOST TWO THOUSAND. I liked to have died. It wasn’t the food that really was the killer. I had a load of fresh shrimp (healthy), my homemade light chicken salad with celery (healthy), some of Rapunzel’s homemade canapes which were fairly healthy, four mini pinwheel sandwich things, which weren’t too bad and three mini eclairs, again, not really too bad. Know what did me in? Five Lindor truffles at 70 calories each and the biggie? Two Mimosa’s. Mmmmmm Champagne and orange juice.

Mimosa’s aren’t something I have very often. In fact, I usually have them once a year–at the Oscar Party. They are extremely high in calories, but they make me feel so decadent and so rich. And trust me, the only time I feel rich is then. Mickey works hard and all my needs are met, and some of my wants. I am not gonna lie, though. We live paycheck to paycheck and there are some really tight weeks. Anyway, the Mimosa’s were delicious and Belle is excellent in putting them and the party together. I would say, Oscar season is probably my favorite.

In spite of over indulging in champagne and chocolates, I still managed to lose 2 pounds this week. I have now lost a total of 22.2 pounds in 51 days. I wish it were coming off faster, but it is coming off healthy, which means it has more of a chance to stay off. I am REALLY hoping the exercise will result in some muscles and will stop my skin from sagging horribly. Surgery to tuck it all back in is around 13,000.00. I don’t see me scraping that up. If the exercise doesn’t work, at least I will be a strong saggy, baggy elephant.

Any of you giving up something for Lent? I am not Catholic, but I try to give something up each year. This year, I am giving up using disposable plates and cups. We use them a lot because I do not have a dishwasher and I hate washing dishes. So, for the Lenten season, I will rejoice in my God while I wash my dishes.

That’s the thing about us Christian Southerners. We take the parts we like from each religion and kind of incorporate and make them our own. That’s also why I am going to enjoy pancakes tonight on Shrove Tuesday.

This entry has kind of been all over the place. Hey, it is a reflection of me. Where else can you read about movies, God, exercise, being fat and losing weight all in one place?

If you have any ideas on what is making me hurt, let me know. You don’t have to be a doctor or even play one on tv.

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Let it Go

Today is just a very quick check-in to say hello. Hope everyone is having a great weekend. The weather here is beautiful. I am very ready for Spring to arrive. I am not ready to spring my clock forwards, though. I like having the sun out in the evening and late afternoon, but I really hate losing that hour. It seems as if I can tell and miss it for weeks.

I have had a pretty rough weekend. I need to just let it all go. I got into a petty, stupid fight on stupid Facebook with someone. This person is no longer a part of my life and is not someone I have to see or deal with on a daily, weekly or monthly basis. I do not know why I let this person get under my skin. But he did. He implied stuff and behaved in what I can only describe as a “douchey” manner. I didn’t have to sink to his level, but I did. I said something very unkind and mean. I can make all the excuses I want, but ultimately, I am responsible for MY behavior. No one else. Sadly, while part of my brain knows this, the other part does not and is wildly cooking up revenge schemes.

I know I am hurting no one but myself. But it is so hard to let go of anger and resentment and hurt feelings. Any other time and I would have eaten my feelings away. I guess that is what I am struggling with. Having to actively deal with how I feel, instead of putting them away in a tight little box of Oreos, or Girl Scout cookies, or Key Lime Pie or Pizza or French Fries, and well, this list could go on without end.

I was up until after 4 am this morning. I could not sleep because I was in a RAGE over this incident. I blocked him on Facebook and now I never have to see his comments and he can never see mine. That’s sensible. If I can just convince my head to be sensible. I know ALL the platitudes about how “I am allowing him to take up space in my head,” and “I am only hurting myself,” and “Anger is a base emotion.” But, what is the best way to deal with real, justified (at least to me), anger? I think I will allow myself another day or two to be angry, then I will attempt to let it go.

I think I need to let go of all my anger and frustration that has built up for a long time. I also think I could probably exercise all of my anger out, or at least exercise until I can’t move and can only think about how I need to catch my breath. I can see it now, from smoking addict to food addict to exercise addict. Merely swapping one addiction for another.

I realize I am not being very humorous today. I am just being me and being honest. I am already the bigger person by weight and default. I should let this go.

 

We Could Be Heroes ( Just For One Day )

I have to say I am overwhelmed, touched and at a loss. For the past week, I have received private messages, emails, and comments on Facebook. I have been told by several people I am an inspiration and a hero. No, my head hasn’t grown as fat as the rest of me. I am truly being told this, and it bewilders me. I’m just an ordinary woman who is fat and who is trying as hard as she can to get back in shape and undo the damage that has been done, by both an unhealthy lifestyle and hereditary heart disease.

When I was first thinking of this blog entry, I thought about just saying flat-out that these people were/are crazy. But then, I thought harder. I realized as I was panting and melting my way through Jillian’s cardio workout of Phase One of Body revolution, that yes. I am a hero. I am finishing what I started. I also realized that every single one of us, the tall and the small, to quote Dr. Seuss, are heroes.

Everyone of you that blogs. Each time you put your feeling out there, your life out there, for strangers to read and gawk at, every time you open yourself up, YOU are a hero. Those of you like my daughter Ariel, who battle extreme depression, every time you get dressed and make it through the day and go see your psychiatrist and your counselor, YOU are a hero. Those of you who are overweight, like me, each time you make a healthy choice, or do a workout, YOU are a hero.

Preachers and pastors, heroes. Those who stand up for the oppressed, who speak up for the bullied, REGARDLESS of the reason, heroes. Those of you who encourage others, heroes. Parents of children and teens, muddling through as best you can, YOU are a hero. Those who have been hurt by life, by love, who have been disappointed by friends, by family, yet keep an open heart and a sunny disposition, YOU are heroes. Those battling addiction, each time you choose not to do drugs, or drink, or overeat, or smoke, or refrain from a meaningless sexual encounter, YOU are a hero.

Those who teach, a hero. Doctors, lawyers, rich, poor, heroes everyone. I am not forgetting true heroes such as police, soldiers, EMS, firefighters, etc. I am just saying everyday, in some small way, each of us is a hero. Each of us inspires someone, even if we don’t know it or aren’t aware of it. There is not a person among us who is not a hero, even if it is just for one day.