Let it Go

Today is just a very quick check-in to say hello. Hope everyone is having a great weekend. The weather here is beautiful. I am very ready for Spring to arrive. I am not ready to spring my clock forwards, though. I like having the sun out in the evening and late afternoon, but I really hate losing that hour. It seems as if I can tell and miss it for weeks.

I have had a pretty rough weekend. I need to just let it all go. I got into a petty, stupid fight on stupid Facebook with someone. This person is no longer a part of my life and is not someone I have to see or deal with on a daily, weekly or monthly basis. I do not know why I let this person get under my skin. But he did. He implied stuff and behaved in what I can only describe as a “douchey” manner. I didn’t have to sink to his level, but I did. I said something very unkind and mean. I can make all the excuses I want, but ultimately, I am responsible for MY behavior. No one else. Sadly, while part of my brain knows this, the other part does not and is wildly cooking up revenge schemes.

I know I am hurting no one but myself. But it is so hard to let go of anger and resentment and hurt feelings. Any other time and I would have eaten my feelings away. I guess that is what I am struggling with. Having to actively deal with how I feel, instead of putting them away in a tight little box of Oreos, or Girl Scout cookies, or Key Lime Pie or Pizza or French Fries, and well, this list could go on without end.

I was up until after 4 am this morning. I could not sleep because I was in a RAGE over this incident. I blocked him on Facebook and now I never have to see his comments and he can never see mine. That’s sensible. If I can just convince my head to be sensible. I know ALL the platitudes about how “I am allowing him to take up space in my head,” and “I am only hurting myself,” and “Anger is a base emotion.” But, what is the best way to deal with real, justified (at least to me), anger? I think I will allow myself another day or two to be angry, then I will attempt to let it go.

I think I need to let go of all my anger and frustration that has built up for a long time. I also think I could probably exercise all of my anger out, or at least exercise until I can’t move and can only think about how I need to catch my breath. I can see it now, from smoking addict to food addict to exercise addict. Merely swapping one addiction for another.

I realize I am not being very humorous today. I am just being me and being honest. I am already the bigger person by weight and default. I should let this go.

 

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Breathless

Yes, I know, I have been MIA the past two days. It honestly is not like me at all. I have just been so tired lately. This has been a bad week. Not just for me, but for many of my friends as well. I haven’t had trouble sticking to eating right. I haven’t had trouble having the will to exercise. I just have felt tired and run-down. I got on the scale this morning and disaster struck. I had gained about 5 pounds….since yesterday.

I decided that since I was so tired, I would just go back to bed for a nap. This is something I have done everyday this week. It USED to be something I did everyday. Then I started eating right, exercising, taking Plexus and was full of energy. Just yesterday, Alice commented on how nice it was to have me cooking family meals again. I didn’t tell her I took a nap.

This nap was different, though. I should have realized something was wrong when I just was not up to riding with Mickey and Alice this morning to take Alice to school. I used to struggle with insomnia. Then, I started exercising and was suddenly in bed by 11 each night and sleeping straight through until morning, But this week, it hasn’t been enough. This morning, I went to bed with Mickey, my night shift worker. I want to say we were in bed (back in bed for me) before 9. My sister texted around 11ish and I answered, then fell back asleep. I slept until after 1, when Jenni, concerned that I hadn’t replied to her texts or Facebook posts, gave me a call.

When I realized the time, I got up and staggered into the kitchen. I got back on the scale, hoping the sleep had done me some good. Erm, no. I gained two pounds between 9am and 1pm, sleeping. Then, it hit me. My CHF has flared up. *sigh* So, I am now sitting in my recliner with my feet up like a good heart patient. I took a Lasix and surprise, surprise, I have been living in the bathroom and I have dropped 4 of the approximately 7 pounds.

I was breathless when I took the dog out earlier. I decided that today should probably be a rest day. All I need to do is pass out doing Jillian, clunk myself in the head with one of my weights and then be forced into the hospital. Some days, it is so easy to forget I have CHF. I was starting to think, to hope, that maybe, just maybe, I was curing myself of it. No such luck.

I am frustrated to be forced into my recliner today. I am frustrated that this week has been such a struggle. BUT. I don’t feel hopeless, which is how I lived most of the past two years. I know now that when I am excessively tired to really look at my scale. I know that eating right and exercising is helping, because I have had five glorious weeks of feeling NORMAL. I can feel myself feeling better as the fluid comes off my body. I am betting by tomorrow, I will be back to where I was.

Jillian isn’t going anywhere. She will be waiting to punish me tomorrow and maybe, tomorrow won’t be like the majority of this week has been, where I felt off balance and had to push through molasses to get my workout in.

Normally, I would never use my blog to whine. But, i am all about being truthful- to myself and to my readers. The truth is, I have a disease. The other truth is, it is a disease, not an excuse. I may be stuck sitting in a recliner and on the potty today, but I will not eat use today as an excuse to eat wrong or to have a hopeless, negative outlook on life.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, the bathroom calls yet again.

 

I Get Knocked Down (But I Get Up Again)

I hope everyone had a great weekend. Yesterday was Mickey’s 50th Birthday. Saturday night, I had a surprise party for him at his favorite restaurant. I had pretty well decided what I was going to have for my supper. I chose a Cuban sandwich and I split an order of fries with cheese, bacon and green onions with Alice. I only ate half the Cuban, which was the plan. Turns out, it wasn’t hard to do. I apparently do not like Cuban sandwiches. At least, I did not like this one. Alice loved it. It had a lot of pickles on it, which is fine. I like pickles; I just don’t like hot pickles. Also, the pork part was unseasoned. Anyway, what I didn’t count on was getting in the party spirit and consuming two drinks. One of which was milk-based and contained whipped cream. It was really yummy, though. I only ate one bite of cheesecake, so at least there was no dessert damage.

Between hamburgers Thursday, lunch out Friday, and the party Saturday, I was very nervous about getting on the scale this morning. I planned for everything I ate. I worked out and each day I still had a few calories left over from exercise. I ate at least half my exercise calories each of the three days and I try so hard not to touch those.

Anyway, even though I enjoyed my week, had two drinks and had two hamburgers, as well as fries with CHEESE, I still lost 1.8 pounds. I now weigh 279.8. I have lost 20.2 pounds in 42 days. I am not complaining at all. I also measured but, I don’t know. My body seems way off. I have lost a total of 4 inches in each of my arms. But, I have gained now, equally, in both thighs, At least I won’t be dragging that one mutant thigh around, like I was afraid of last week. I was kind of picturing myself as Jillian Michaels own Igor. “Mahhhsssttteerrrr, I can’t do that exercise, I have the mutant thighhhhhhhh.”

In Phase One of Body Revolution, there is a segment of balancing. On one foot. Like a flamingo, Now, picture a flamingo in your head. They are not very heavy birds. Not only that, their bones are HOLLOW. I kept falling over. Like on my fanny. Lift, kick, fall. Lift, kick, fall. Then, there are abductions, where you kick one leg out to the side with your hands on your hips. Jillian allows for a step-touch as the “easier mode.” I found myself kick out, touch, stagger, kick out, touch, grab the coffee table. Finally, I broke down and brought a chair into the living room. Workout ready. Weights, check. Mat, check, DVD, check, Dining Room chair, check.

I have been doing these every three days for about a week. Some days I can’t balance at all on my own. Some days, I only grab the chair every four steps and kicks. The point is, I am not going to wait until I can do it to even try. I will get knocked down, but I will get right back up again. And in the same vein as my last blog post stating “don’t wait to live your life until you lose the weight.” I have registered for my first 5K. It’s a ZOMBIE RUN!

Here is the description:

EXTREME
THE ZOMBIE RUN: EXTREME is a mud-filled, daytime 5K obstacle course through a zombie-infested wasteland.  Register as a human and maneuver through 3.1 miles of mud, blood, and brains, with 8 treacherous obstacles, and a hoard of 700 ravenous zombies on your heels.  Or, sign up as one of the zombies and receive a free movie-quality makeover before heading to the course to chase after the humans and steal their life-flags.
 
Will I be able to run? Hahahahahahahaha. NO. Do I care? Nope. There is no timer, no winner. I love zombies. Will I have trouble getting over the obstacles? More than likely. Do I care? No. Will I be dead last (get it, dead last?) ? Probably. BUT. I will have beat every person who stayed home on their couch because they did not think they were fit enough to even try. I will try and even if it takes me until the night run, I WILL FINISH. BTW, Alice is VERY excited. She is old enough to register as a zombie.
 
I saw a video about a young man who was disabled in the Gulf War. He gained weight. He couldn’t walk without help. He had blown his knees out as a para-trooper. He ALMOST gave up. ALMOST. I can relate to him. I ALMOST gave up as well. But, I didn’t. He didn’t either. His knees and hips are bad. I have a bad heart and bad ankles. I get knocked down, but I get up again. What’s YOUR excuse?
 
 
I haven’t figured out how to embed a video yet, so trust me. Click the link. You won’t be sorry. You just MIGHT be inspired.